Sunday, November 29, 2009

it’s not so much that i want more, it’s that i don’t want not-enough.

i have my own definition of not-enough. my not-enough is likely far less than that of most people in industrialized countries, and likely far more than that of most people in so-called developing countries. nevertheless, it is my own personal definition of not-enough and i fear it and i resist it (not the definition, the actual state of not-enoughness).

today, while hiking in the mountains of bosnia – a hike filled, by the way, with ample enoughness - i realized that i have been bound to not-enough through my resistance to it my entire life.

over the years, i have made thousands of decisions, big and small, that shaped the form and quality of my life - all based on my fear of and resistance to not-enough. the career that i disliked and let slowly drain me until i was simultaneously desperately unhappy and a numb empty shell. the experiences i missed, choosing instead to work hard and “save” that money for later instead of living life more fully in the now because i needed to have that money waiting in the background ready to jump into action to beat down the not-enough when it threatened to come around. thousands of choices out of fear of the not-enough.

you get what you resist and sure enough i found myself facing down not-enough awhile back. i have far less in terms of money and material things today than i did a couple of years back, but in losing those things, i gained a fullness of life that i had chosen to forgo while trying to protect myself against the not-enough. in the process, i thought that i had left the fight against not-enough behind.

but today in the mountains, i found it lurking around again. thinking things like i can’t afford to buy expensive food like cheese and broccoli when i go to the market today, because if i do, well, soon enough i’ll be facing not-enough.

today in the mountains i also realized that until i give up that struggle, until i stop resisting not-enough, until i make friends with not-enough, it will continue to play out in one form or another in my life.

so i bought broccoli when i got home. no cheese. one step at a time.

Paula Cole Me

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

"rat" = war
"bendova" = bands
rat bendova: bosnia's battle of the bands

so for the last few weeks or so, i've been watching rat bendova, a battle of the bands tv show out of sarajevo. you know the drill. a bunch of bands perform each week, and somebody gets eliminated at the end of the show.

amongst the usual array of bands that have been playing clubs for a few years, there's a trio of kids that i love. and i mean kids. the santos brothers lead guitarist is 16, the bass player is 14, and the drummer is 12. check 'em out doing a little jimmie:

Santos Brothers

Sunday, November 22, 2009

exercise for india, training for thailand

where z and i hike above banja luka in prep for southeast asia

Friday, November 20, 2009

it ain't over 'til it's over,
but i hear tell it's almost over...

so, i got news that the last bit of legal paperwork required to finish off the little mess i found myself in just over 2 years ago was finally filed today in the states today.

it took this long because the paperwork couldn't be filed until the, uh, person, on the other end of the contract actually fulfilled the contract, and that is something that the, uh, person, failed to do until recently.

the reason i can't say it's over yet is because i still haven't seen the last bit of cash that fulfilled the contract appear in my bank account, and until i see it, it's not actually over.

so..... on this, the eve of the almost over, looking back on the events of the last 2 years, if i had known it would have taken this long and i'd get so little of my life savings back from the uh, person, i would have just gone straight to court day 1 without mucking about.

wait, i take that back, i just wouldn't have trusted that the, uh, person, was a man of his word in the first place.

but hey, you live and learn. 

and boy have i lived and learned since then... so although i am now life-changingly poorer in pocketbook, i'm also life-changingly richer in heart and soul - and for that, i'm grateful.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

you chop 80 kilo of cabbage and what do you get?

cabbage, salt, water, a giant barrel and a little time'll get you all the sauerkraut you can eat - and more...

Monday, November 16, 2009

banja luka living: how i dry my clothes and heat my flat

and lately when drying my clothes and heating my flat, i like to listen to a little of this:

Dino Dvornik Hypnotiziran

Thursday, November 12, 2009

yeah, but can your barista do this?

a gorilla sitting on a rock reading a book.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

cheese in a can? cheese in a can?

try pâté in a squeezy bag...

Sunday, November 8, 2009

the simplest things....

...are not always so simple.  internet access has been, well, let's say, a bit of a challenge.  i'm good.  i'm in bosnia.  i'm just not all hooked up in the whole hey-look-at-me,-i'm-in-touch-with-the-whole-world kinda way....  i'm sitting in a cafe/bar at the moment, blissed out by the fact that 1) one of the employees here could not only speak english but 2) also knew about computer/router/internet stuff and so, 3) i was actually able to get an internet connection after only 45 minutes of rebooting the establishment's equipment and dicking around with my nic settings (and spending as much on beer for the "free" internet connection that i would have spent for an entire month of unlimited internet access at home), and 4) after all of that, convincing the employees to let me plug in my laptop (only plug in the place is behind the bar) since my battery can barely hold a charge anymore....

now, completely soused and satisfied with my tiny victory, i say "screw the spellcheck, i'm just gonna post!"  i'll try and get some photos and other stuff up within the next week...


my brain, my pusher
or after the low, the high

did i say i sang the praises of kajmak?  forget kajmak, i sing the praises of my all powerful brain. 

after the flood of chemicals (was it something i ate?) that laid me low, that led me through rapid cycling ups and downs and downs... and downs over the last week…  as fast as it came, it lifted.

and today, i am basking in the wonderment of sitting in the midst of men, big men, smoking drinking scary men, hard men, negotiating car deals, arranging official papers with an off-duty border agent.

it is what it is, and what it should be.  perfect in the moment.  once again.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

my little flat and the first snow

we found a great little furnished 1 room flat in ½ of the upstairs of a 2 storey house and moved in on the 1st.
we got our first snow 2 days later.

it comes with a kitty that sits outside our window sometimes

pondering the snow in my backyard