what goes up must come down

so i was doing a little yoga the other day and couldn't focus. couldn't just be in the moment. couldn't do the ending savasana. and i realized that it's been quite awhile now since i could just enjoy the moment for more than, well... a moment. and what's up with that, especially since i'm living in a fairytale right now?

so what is up with that? a bunch of crap has been swirling around and around in my head for weeks and i just need to get it out. but i've been unable to get it out of my head for fear of the repercussions.

wait a minute. did i just say i haven't been doing something out of fear? did i hear myself right? would you look at that. look at the control i'm allowing to be exerted over me from across the miles.

if you're a good girl and you don't tell, if you just walk away quietly with your tail between your legs, and certainly if you don't dare to use the law to recover what it rightfully yours... well then maybe someday you might get a little bit of your money back. but only if you don't tell. shhh, be quiet. don't tell. just walk away.

fuck fear.

shut up. shut up. shut up! don't talk. stop whining. don't tell. buck up. move on.

so what if someone stole everything from you and then bullied you - and those around him - into submission. just shut up. talk about something nice. something fun.

isn't the water just be-yooo-teeee-ful in budva?

From Judith Herman's The World’s People:

"It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil.

...In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. Secrecy and silence are the perpetrator's first line of defense. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim.

If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens. To this end, he martials an impressive array of arguments, from the most blatant denial to the most sophisticated and elegant rationalization.

After every atrocity one can expect to hear the same predictable apologies: it never happened; the victim lies; the victim exaggerates; the victim brought it on herself; and in any case it is time to forget the past and move on.

The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of the pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering."


so here's my remembering.

and for the record, i don't consider myself a victim at all. don't care for the word. i'm simply the target of what appears to me to be some really disturbed behavior.

:: legal disclaimer ::
anything i've said here is only my opinion based on my personal experience, and may or may not be a statement of absolute reality - if there is such a thing as absolute reality. or even based on reality at all. i mean, philosophers have argued the nature of reality for ages and still can't agree.