an ever-deeping experience and understanding of gratitude - found in the oddest of places

I want to express my gratitude to my ex, my former someone, something or another… for creating the opportunity for me tonight – for the first time in my entire life - to hug my father so tightly and to sob so completely, so uncontrollably, so totally raw and exposed, on my father’s shoulder. I am 47. My father is 89. I don’t know that I would have had that opportunity if not for the events of the past 3-ish years, and most recently the actions of my former whatever-you-want-to-call-him over the past year and half, culminating in the “news” I received this evening. Thank you ex-somebody. You unwittingly gave me, perhaps, the greatest gift I have ever been given.

I also want to express my gratitude to and for my friend Kim whom, once she heard the news, immediately came over and made dinner for my father while I sobbed. (I am taking care of my father while my mother is in the hospital.) And to and for my friend Allen who, tonight, reminded me of his simple motto that has seen him through many events, including prostate cancer: “Don’t stop. Keep going,” when I wanted to stop. I have extreme gratitude for his incredible blues guitar playing tonight, improvised around my sobbing and turning something ugly into something beautiful.

And Jane. Always. Miles away tonight but right next to me.

And finally, I want to thank the phenomenon of sobbing. While public displays of deep, wrenching emotion is shunned and ridiculed in this culture – sobbing, really truly sobbing – breaking apart - is one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done. I am naked in front of my friends and we are closer for it.

I am stepping off the cliff into the void.